My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
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Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
no such thing as a dumb question
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids