Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
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[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Breaking news:
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I love the honesty
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.