Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
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Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.