date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
You Might Also Like
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad