” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
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Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: