Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
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this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
“We will wed,” I threatened
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning