The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
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How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no