“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
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people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
How it started How it’s going
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*