2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
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You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Me sliding into hell like
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Bike for sale
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame