I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
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I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
You know…for fall…
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Bros before Ohioes
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?