My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
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We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.