Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
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*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.