Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
this is uni
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.