Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
You Might Also Like
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM