Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
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Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.