Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
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I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
everyone’s a critic
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.