Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
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Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Where is your GOD now????
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,