[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
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[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
The “baby” on the left….
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.