[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
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[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*