The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
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My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
how to market bottled water to dads
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”