I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
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Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes