Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
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(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.