I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
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This can never not be funny 😭😭
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I have so many questions.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man