If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
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At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Me driving through Toronto
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.