airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
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“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.