(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
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*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
ibopfufen
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.