Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
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employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes