My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
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Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
When someone trying to leave me
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else