I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
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Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
“I FIXED IT!”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.