Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
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GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Schrödinger’s cookie
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I’ve been learning to cook.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?