Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
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With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.