me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
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*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My birth announcement for our third baby
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
This makes total sense…
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.