Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
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I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha