When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
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Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee