Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
You Might Also Like
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell