Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
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[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think