Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
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Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Flowers bee like
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard