Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
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Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?