my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
You Might Also Like
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.