I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
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A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Had to try this trend 😊
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke