i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
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If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is