If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.