roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
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They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Just a phase…
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”