Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Important reminders
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*