Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
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I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er