I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
When you’re Kinky but poor
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.