Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
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I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.