*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
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Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.