“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
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me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.