Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
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Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?